The snoring

One of the hardest thing about my situation is how hard it is to get a date. It is what it is, most people are shallow in this western culture world I live in (I'm probably no different). There might have been some girl out there that was interested in me. I know of one. I don't actually know, but I'm pretty sure she wanted something. It happened after a party. The next day I saw her, she was talking with a friend, she was standing outside a restaurant, and as I walked towards the door I saw her reflection, her body language was saying something like "oh well, he doesn't seem interested, or remember anything from last night." There was nothing serious, perhaps we danced a little, but I was drunk so I don't remember. She didn't make a move or made it clear that she is interested. Not having any experience dating, I didn't know how to react. "Maybe I should make a move?" I thought, "but what do I say?" And maybe I was just dreaming. Maybe I was seeing signals that weren't really there. This was quite a while ago, I think more than 8 years.

Today, still, when a girl is nice to me, I would probably see it as her been nice period. Not flirting or anything like that. She is smiling, being friendly that's it. Though I like dreaming that she actually wants more, I tend to rationalize the situation of her just being nice, wanting to be friends, but nothing more.

I feel like there are quite a few serious drawbacks to being in a relationship with me. The most obvious one is I'm not good looking, not even decent you could say. Another one is that currently I don't have a job, and I'm living at home. But the one that bugs me, that made me want to talk about drawbacks, is the snoring. Because of all the surgeries I had in my neck, some night I snore louder than a chainsaw. I wouldn't want to sleep aside that, so why would a girl want to sleep beside me? I need have quite a lot to offer to compensate for all these drawbacks, and that puts a lot of pressure.

vocal chord

In summer of 2007 I had my 3rd serious surgery (by serious I mean put out for a few hours).I had a huge tumor under my left ear. It has been growing there for over 10 years. These tumors can go as they come, I had one on the right side when I was a kid and it went away. The surgery took I think 8 hours. I was at the ICU for 2 days. Though the tumor was far from the vocal cord, my left vocal chord was hurt. Could be from the breathing tube, or maybe because the whole area was very very swollen. I lost a lot of blood.

Anyways, its hard to talk. It is very hard to produce a loud enough volume for loud bars, loud restaurants, etc. If a person sits by me they might be able to hear me, but it makes it hard to order things, you need to wave the server to come right next to you. If I'm sitting with friends say 4-6, there is music, and there are two conversations, even just one when everyone is really engaged, it will be hard for me to join in, I usually just listen (I do like to watch people). But still it can get very frustrating, especially since people around me tend to forget it's hard for me to talk when it gets too loud. And to those people I've mention this problem a few times. But you know, they want to go to the loud bars, so I just find other things to do.

Yet that's not the real problem, yes its annoying, but there are other limitations. Finding a job gets a lot harder. I now cannot work in loud places. An In-n-out can get pretty loud, being a cashier, which I used to be at another burger joint, is a problem because the customers won't hear me. Say I want to work at a summer camp, no can do. Cannot yell, cheer. Not loudly. It also makes it hard to sing. I think I'm quite an artistic person. I used to be able to do all kind of laughs. Just start them from nothing, I didn't need to hear a joke, or see something funny. I would crack my friends up. It like the paralysis wasn't enough, now this.

mama's good boy

I would think people wouldn't be surprised when they found out I use cannabis. I think I have this pretty strong attribute of making people see a normal guy once they get to know me and we have hanged out somehow (work, class, friends...), they then I think see a mama's-good-boy person. I’m so not violent. I’m bitter and angry about my life, and I’m not sure how well people see it, if at all. But I’m not violent, I’m loving, friendly,  respectful... a good guy I guess. I feel that I’m quite a matured person, way more than the people around me. Maybe for some I’m frightening, because they admire me much, for how I’m out there, not hiding at home. But, uhhh, dang, that brings contrast memories and pain from childhood.

Back then I was treated with minimal respect from my classmates. Never really making fun of my face, but just making my life miserable, as the person they can tease, and did so for years. I guess as a kid, when you see someone like me, you feel superior, no questions asked.

Ok, so like in any class there is the big bully, that just makes the hell for many, but I think that his focus was mainly on me, of course I cannot prove it because I don't remember the incidents he had with others...

But then, say we make a chart of power, so the bully is on top, and below him he has a few, and below them there are more, then all those underneath the bully, won't go up the chart to tease him, they go down, they keep digging down till they are stuck on the easiest target.

Now side note, what kind of a smart ass picks an easy fight? If there was a Vegas line involving me, we can assume that the odds will always be in favor of the other person. It’s easy to yell at the one who suck in soccer, but he sucks, and you know it, why are you so surprised? It's the one who claim that are the best and suck that you yell at. They need to back up their word, and they’re failing. Yelling at me is like stating the obvious, make it was a way get attention from the gang. Maybe they had a contest to see who can harm me more.

But man, I think, well, again, I don't remember the ones that weren't surprised when they found out I smoke. I think I don't remember those ones because there’s nothing unusual about it for me, but if they are surprised, then I guess it pisses me off, annoying me. I don't show it, but I feel it inside me. Maybe I’m not happy that people see me as a mama's-good-boy. Or maybe just let it go, understand that there are many people in the world, some love you, some hate you, most will never know you. Just let it be.

Left Side Paralysis

hello there,

let me introduce myself a little.

I'm a male, 28 years old, and I have a left facial paralysis.
I've had it since I was a kid. It happened during a surgery to remove a tumor.
I had a tumor that grew around the nerve, and the tumor started pushing on my air canal too much and had to be removed.

I wrote a lot of things. Things from my childhood. How I was treated.
Thoughts from today. I wrote a lot. I started writing more than a year ago intensively.
I was gonna make it a book, but I didn't. Somehow I just kind of put it aside, and forgot about it.
I think the thought that all the things I wrote are not really organized got me overwhelmed because I was thinking about all that I need to do.

So maybe instead of a book, I will just write here.
In pieces, not in a chronological order.