what if, with all this shit you have to deal with, you were in a third world country?! at least you're in the US. You can enjoy good food, football, golf, safety...
trying to motivate myself
found out a tumor I've had for a while in the left side of my chest has gotten too big. It's been causing me pain and is blocking some of the blood vessels.
Wednesday, September 21, 2011
Sunday, March 27, 2011
Kid Gloves
I often feel as though people treat me with kid gloves, even my family and friends.
Some take the more emotional part, some the more physical (at least when I was younger in K-12 school - say when playing sports).
I also feel like people think I'm slow, or somewhat of a retard. I think it brings animosity in me towards those people. Of course sometimes I like it when people are nicer. For example maybe some professor are more easy on me. Though most aren't which is ok, and probably better.
It feels like there is a line where most people start, and I'm lower on the chart. Meaning, when you meet someone for the first time they start at the same starting point where most people do, and that's how you start judging them. But with me I feel like I'm starting at a lower point where I'm already judged, and so I need to prove more just to get to most peoples' starting point.
I feel unappriceate many times, and taken for granted.
Some of it is just me making too much of it. For example the word "buddy." If one of my friends calls me that it makes me feel like they are looking down at me (and sometimes it feel like they are saying it in tone you would use towards a kid. Maybe I'm just remembering right now how I read text messages which are read in my assumption tone).
I feel people get impressed by me like they would from a little kid because they have preconceived notions as to what I'm capable of. So they get overly impressed with, what I feel is, minor/simple things that I do.
Some take the more emotional part, some the more physical (at least when I was younger in K-12 school - say when playing sports).
I also feel like people think I'm slow, or somewhat of a retard. I think it brings animosity in me towards those people. Of course sometimes I like it when people are nicer. For example maybe some professor are more easy on me. Though most aren't which is ok, and probably better.
It feels like there is a line where most people start, and I'm lower on the chart. Meaning, when you meet someone for the first time they start at the same starting point where most people do, and that's how you start judging them. But with me I feel like I'm starting at a lower point where I'm already judged, and so I need to prove more just to get to most peoples' starting point.
I feel unappriceate many times, and taken for granted.
Some of it is just me making too much of it. For example the word "buddy." If one of my friends calls me that it makes me feel like they are looking down at me (and sometimes it feel like they are saying it in tone you would use towards a kid. Maybe I'm just remembering right now how I read text messages which are read in my assumption tone).
I feel people get impressed by me like they would from a little kid because they have preconceived notions as to what I'm capable of. So they get overly impressed with, what I feel is, minor/simple things that I do.
Thursday, February 10, 2011
is there something funny?
It happens sometimes where people laugh at me. Not to my face. They try to hide it. Say I'm walking on campus and they are walking towards me, they will have this "wooo" expression in their eyes. They then look at their friend, who also tries to look away and not make it obvious they were staring. I also see a little smirk in their face, which becomes more relax and bigger as smile once they pass me (I slightly look back and see it). You know when you see something that makes you laugh, but you know it's not appropriate to laugh, and you don't want people to see that you're laughing so you try to hold it, but if someone was to watch you right at that moment it would be obvious you're holding something back? I'm sure some of you have done that before or noticed when others doing it, so yeah I can see that too.
It really pisses me off, and I wish I wasn't such an anxious person. I wish I would be able to turn around catch up with them and stand up for myself. Say what's on my mind, make them feel bad with themselves. I would want to say something like: "Is there something funny? Is this funny?" (pointing at my left side). Then I would assume they would feel bad, try to look away and not make eye contact because of how embarrased they feel. I would hope I would be able to continue saying "would you want to look like me?" obvious answer would be "no." I would then want to continue "yeah I couldn't imagine anyone wanting to look like me. But imagine you do look like me. It sucks right? you get up every morning with this face, no girl really looks at you with intrest, but you don't give up you know... you put your cloths on, you try to make something of your life, you go to college, but then two asswhole (should be obvious I'm impying that they are the assholes) are walking towards you, and laughing at you, how would you feel?"
It is pretty tough having your left side of the face paralyzed since you were a kid. You smile, but only one side moves. Every expression you do, only one side moves. Yeah it looks pretty weird. But how can people laugh?! People should be thankful they aren't in my shoes, and be friendly. They shouldn't make my life even more misarble by staring, laughing, elbowing their friend to take a look.
It really pisses me off, and I wish I wasn't such an anxious person. I wish I would be able to turn around catch up with them and stand up for myself. Say what's on my mind, make them feel bad with themselves. I would want to say something like: "Is there something funny? Is this funny?" (pointing at my left side). Then I would assume they would feel bad, try to look away and not make eye contact because of how embarrased they feel. I would hope I would be able to continue saying "would you want to look like me?" obvious answer would be "no." I would then want to continue "yeah I couldn't imagine anyone wanting to look like me. But imagine you do look like me. It sucks right? you get up every morning with this face, no girl really looks at you with intrest, but you don't give up you know... you put your cloths on, you try to make something of your life, you go to college, but then two asswhole (should be obvious I'm impying that they are the assholes) are walking towards you, and laughing at you, how would you feel?"
It is pretty tough having your left side of the face paralyzed since you were a kid. You smile, but only one side moves. Every expression you do, only one side moves. Yeah it looks pretty weird. But how can people laugh?! People should be thankful they aren't in my shoes, and be friendly. They shouldn't make my life even more misarble by staring, laughing, elbowing their friend to take a look.
I feel I get judged a lot.
I'm stuck. It is hard to get disability money, I'm not disabled enough, and I also had jobs in the past which doesn't help when trying to get disability money. So no disability money, yet it is also very hard to find a job. I don't have a BA yet, so that takes out a bunch of jobs. Then because my left vocal cord is paralyzed, it takes out a whole bunch of other jobs (like a server/host in a restaurant, or a cashier at busy and loud burger joint). I have done food delivery jobs in the past. I have a clean driving record. Yet I applied to some pizza and other food delivery places a few times. My resume shows I have the experience, my driving record shows I'm a great driver with no accident or tickets. I'm available at the time they need a driver for. But I didn't get the job, meanwhile I keep seeing the place advertising that they need drivers.
I once emailed my resume to a place, they then called to ask me to stop by for an interview, and when I came there, they said they aren't hiring right now. That was just one place that was obvious where I was prejudged and discriminated. I was so confused and in shock that I didn't make a scene which was probably a good thing, but still I wish I did more to put that manager in his place, and make them feel bad. Maybe some
customers would hear it and won't come back. Altought that one place was the only one where it was clear I was prejudged, I believe it happened a few times more. Especially with those driving positions.
I do believe I get judged a lot. I bet that many times when I handed my resume to a manager and they said the usual "some one will call you if you fit the requirements..." they didn't really take a good look at my resume, but judged me and that was for my chances at that job. I also feel judged by my friends sometimes. I feel people see me as slow, or retarted. I feel sometimes females friends treat me with extra care. As though they are taking some motherly part, and feel they need to be extra nice to me. When I get the "heeey buuuddy" in a nice ton like you say to a 7 year old, I see it as some judgement, it gets me annoyed, but I don't show it. Of course I could be wrong. Maybe I'm reading too much into it. But I'm pretty sure a few times that it was the way I saw it. Another reason is because those same people were sure I was much younger than them. As though they saw me as their little pitiable brother.
I once emailed my resume to a place, they then called to ask me to stop by for an interview, and when I came there, they said they aren't hiring right now. That was just one place that was obvious where I was prejudged and discriminated. I was so confused and in shock that I didn't make a scene which was probably a good thing, but still I wish I did more to put that manager in his place, and make them feel bad. Maybe some
customers would hear it and won't come back. Altought that one place was the only one where it was clear I was prejudged, I believe it happened a few times more. Especially with those driving positions.
I do believe I get judged a lot. I bet that many times when I handed my resume to a manager and they said the usual "some one will call you if you fit the requirements..." they didn't really take a good look at my resume, but judged me and that was for my chances at that job. I also feel judged by my friends sometimes. I feel people see me as slow, or retarted. I feel sometimes females friends treat me with extra care. As though they are taking some motherly part, and feel they need to be extra nice to me. When I get the "heeey buuuddy" in a nice ton like you say to a 7 year old, I see it as some judgement, it gets me annoyed, but I don't show it. Of course I could be wrong. Maybe I'm reading too much into it. But I'm pretty sure a few times that it was the way I saw it. Another reason is because those same people were sure I was much younger than them. As though they saw me as their little pitiable brother.
Monday, January 31, 2011
The snoring
One of the hardest thing about my situation is how hard it is to get a date. It is what it is, most people are shallow in this western culture world I live in (I'm probably no different). There might have been some girl out there that was interested in me. I know of one. I don't actually know, but I'm pretty sure she wanted something. It happened after a party. The next day I saw her, she was talking with a friend, she was standing outside a restaurant, and as I walked towards the door I saw her reflection, her body language was saying something like "oh well, he doesn't seem interested, or remember anything from last night." There was nothing serious, perhaps we danced a little, but I was drunk so I don't remember. She didn't make a move or made it clear that she is interested. Not having any experience dating, I didn't know how to react. "Maybe I should make a move?" I thought, "but what do I say?" And maybe I was just dreaming. Maybe I was seeing signals that weren't really there. This was quite a while ago, I think more than 8 years.
Today, still, when a girl is nice to me, I would probably see it as her been nice period. Not flirting or anything like that. She is smiling, being friendly that's it. Though I like dreaming that she actually wants more, I tend to rationalize the situation of her just being nice, wanting to be friends, but nothing more.
I feel like there are quite a few serious drawbacks to being in a relationship with me. The most obvious one is I'm not good looking, not even decent you could say. Another one is that currently I don't have a job, and I'm living at home. But the one that bugs me, that made me want to talk about drawbacks, is the snoring. Because of all the surgeries I had in my neck, some night I snore louder than a chainsaw. I wouldn't want to sleep aside that, so why would a girl want to sleep beside me? I need have quite a lot to offer to compensate for all these drawbacks, and that puts a lot of pressure.
Today, still, when a girl is nice to me, I would probably see it as her been nice period. Not flirting or anything like that. She is smiling, being friendly that's it. Though I like dreaming that she actually wants more, I tend to rationalize the situation of her just being nice, wanting to be friends, but nothing more.
I feel like there are quite a few serious drawbacks to being in a relationship with me. The most obvious one is I'm not good looking, not even decent you could say. Another one is that currently I don't have a job, and I'm living at home. But the one that bugs me, that made me want to talk about drawbacks, is the snoring. Because of all the surgeries I had in my neck, some night I snore louder than a chainsaw. I wouldn't want to sleep aside that, so why would a girl want to sleep beside me? I need have quite a lot to offer to compensate for all these drawbacks, and that puts a lot of pressure.
Sunday, January 30, 2011
vocal chord
In summer of 2007 I had my 3rd serious surgery (by serious I mean put out for a few hours).I had a huge tumor under my left ear. It has been growing there for over 10 years. These tumors can go as they come, I had one on the right side when I was a kid and it went away. The surgery took I think 8 hours. I was at the ICU for 2 days. Though the tumor was far from the vocal cord, my left vocal chord was hurt. Could be from the breathing tube, or maybe because the whole area was very very swollen. I lost a lot of blood.
Anyways, its hard to talk. It is very hard to produce a loud enough volume for loud bars, loud restaurants, etc. If a person sits by me they might be able to hear me, but it makes it hard to order things, you need to wave the server to come right next to you. If I'm sitting with friends say 4-6, there is music, and there are two conversations, even just one when everyone is really engaged, it will be hard for me to join in, I usually just listen (I do like to watch people). But still it can get very frustrating, especially since people around me tend to forget it's hard for me to talk when it gets too loud. And to those people I've mention this problem a few times. But you know, they want to go to the loud bars, so I just find other things to do.
Yet that's not the real problem, yes its annoying, but there are other limitations. Finding a job gets a lot harder. I now cannot work in loud places. An In-n-out can get pretty loud, being a cashier, which I used to be at another burger joint, is a problem because the customers won't hear me. Say I want to work at a summer camp, no can do. Cannot yell, cheer. Not loudly. It also makes it hard to sing. I think I'm quite an artistic person. I used to be able to do all kind of laughs. Just start them from nothing, I didn't need to hear a joke, or see something funny. I would crack my friends up. It like the paralysis wasn't enough, now this.
Anyways, its hard to talk. It is very hard to produce a loud enough volume for loud bars, loud restaurants, etc. If a person sits by me they might be able to hear me, but it makes it hard to order things, you need to wave the server to come right next to you. If I'm sitting with friends say 4-6, there is music, and there are two conversations, even just one when everyone is really engaged, it will be hard for me to join in, I usually just listen (I do like to watch people). But still it can get very frustrating, especially since people around me tend to forget it's hard for me to talk when it gets too loud. And to those people I've mention this problem a few times. But you know, they want to go to the loud bars, so I just find other things to do.
Yet that's not the real problem, yes its annoying, but there are other limitations. Finding a job gets a lot harder. I now cannot work in loud places. An In-n-out can get pretty loud, being a cashier, which I used to be at another burger joint, is a problem because the customers won't hear me. Say I want to work at a summer camp, no can do. Cannot yell, cheer. Not loudly. It also makes it hard to sing. I think I'm quite an artistic person. I used to be able to do all kind of laughs. Just start them from nothing, I didn't need to hear a joke, or see something funny. I would crack my friends up. It like the paralysis wasn't enough, now this.
Thursday, January 27, 2011
mama's good boy
I would think people wouldn't be surprised when they found out I use cannabis. I think I have this pretty strong attribute of making people see a normal guy once they get to know me and we have hanged out somehow (work, class, friends...), they then I think see a mama's-good-boy person. I’m so not violent. I’m bitter and angry about my life, and I’m not sure how well people see it, if at all. But I’m not violent, I’m loving, friendly, respectful... a good guy I guess. I feel that I’m quite a matured person, way more than the people around me. Maybe for some I’m frightening, because they admire me much, for how I’m out there, not hiding at home. But, uhhh, dang, that brings contrast memories and pain from childhood.
Back then I was treated with minimal respect from my classmates. Never really making fun of my face, but just making my life miserable, as the person they can tease, and did so for years. I guess as a kid, when you see someone like me, you feel superior, no questions asked.
Ok, so like in any class there is the big bully, that just makes the hell for many, but I think that his focus was mainly on me, of course I cannot prove it because I don't remember the incidents he had with others...
But then, say we make a chart of power, so the bully is on top, and below him he has a few, and below them there are more, then all those underneath the bully, won't go up the chart to tease him, they go down, they keep digging down till they are stuck on the easiest target.
Now side note, what kind of a smart ass picks an easy fight? If there was a Vegas line involving me, we can assume that the odds will always be in favor of the other person. It’s easy to yell at the one who suck in soccer, but he sucks, and you know it, why are you so surprised? It's the one who claim that are the best and suck that you yell at. They need to back up their word, and they’re failing. Yelling at me is like stating the obvious, make it was a way get attention from the gang. Maybe they had a contest to see who can harm me more.
But man, I think, well, again, I don't remember the ones that weren't surprised when they found out I smoke. I think I don't remember those ones because there’s nothing unusual about it for me, but if they are surprised, then I guess it pisses me off, annoying me. I don't show it, but I feel it inside me. Maybe I’m not happy that people see me as a mama's-good-boy. Or maybe just let it go, understand that there are many people in the world, some love you, some hate you, most will never know you. Just let it be.
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